defenders 2007 - week 1-

Greetings to all the fans of the Defenders. We are back by popular request to report on the happenings and goings-on of everybody's favorite little league team. However, before I continue any of these reports, if you are overly sensitive or imbued with a strong dose of political correctness, you may choose to not receive any further e-mailings on this subject. This is merely an attempt to show the drama, levity, insanity and humor of coaching an inner-city team without any of the coaches having a kid on the team. all stories are fictional and any similarity of name, date or particular behavior is, of course, purely coincidental. Oh, and there were no animals hurt in the production of this piece. By reading this line, you accept the above terms and conditions.

Today was a wonderful day as the predicted rain never materialized and a huge yellow orb appeared in the sky as I walked towards the urban field of dreams to prepare for a fresh season of red hook youth baseball. Much to my chagrin, the fields were filled with fat, old men playing a softball tournament and acting all important--not a good omen to start the season by having mid-season issues of field availability already. Undaunted, I continued on and was quite surprised by the number of kids who showed up and were at the fields early. We took the kids to the basketball courts and had them warm up by tossing balls. Of course they continually overthrew and kids kept complaing about thorny bushes thwarting their ability to retrieve the errant baseballs. I quickly discovered what a bunch of pussies these kids are because the so-called thorny bushes barely had thorns. But I gathered the all important street cred by blasting through the bushe s and recovered all the balls. Its a good thing for the kids to think you are a little bit nuts. In the spirit of the beginning of the season, I chose not to tell them they were pussies and just told them they were all soft. I guess I am mellowing as the years go by.

Our entire team from last year appeared (well kinda) and it was quite rewarding to see them all appear without any prodding. Clayvon was not there, but when called, assured me he would be on the team and also said our two stud girls from last year, Taylor and Tytee (pronounced tah-tee), "are definitely going to be defenders again this year." I believe they used the diva excuse for not appearing at the first practice. I think they both know coach is soft on disipline when it comes to the two of them, but they both have wonderful attitudes, never complain and always cheer on the team. Our two Noels, noel g and noel d appeared, but quickly told me they were defecting to our long-time arch rival, southern trucking. We were going to demand a tampering investigation, but our core kids from last year, anthony, kenny and jeremy assured me that we did not have to worry because they both sucked anyway. I said I would catagorize their loss as that we would be losing two really nice kids and good teammates but that their departure would not have too much of an impact on our performance, especially at the plate. You know, kids are just so much more blunt yet honest about things.

Anthony and Kenny quickly seized this opportunity of open roster spots to politic for a free-agent friend of theirs to join our team. John is a very tall and quiet kid (good qualities for a coach to look for) and has a rifle of an arm even without him throwing correctly. we signed him up without even knowing if he can swing a bat, but he is quiet. quiet is a good thing for a coach to look for in a player--especially with kenny and christian being on this team. I tested John's honesty and integrity right away by asking him who is the bigger screw-off in school, kenny or anthony. before anthony could even shoot me a "are you kidding me" look, John immediately replied 'kenny'. John passed the test. John's signing meant we had one more spot to replace and the canidate was a cousin of an old Defender who played for us a few years ago. Anthony and Kenny made a few non-verbal signs and quickly whispered to me not to take the kid.&nbs p; When I asked why, they told me he was ugly. real ugly said kenny. Knowing that ugly is not a reliable predictor of baseball skills, I huddled the two of them together and told them the best solution to this problem they have about ralphie's looks is that they should not ask him out on a date. Somehow, I don't think that was the response they were looking for. Ralphie is on the team and will be our youngest player, but he has a good arm and his bloodlines in regards to baseball and attitude are impressive.

Quincy, last year's winner of the brother-from-another-planet award appeared briefly to tell me he would play again this year. He has the most raw potential on the team but he truly earned his award last year. But on a positive note, his socks matched and his nose wasn't running as much as it usually does. He is probably the lynch pin to the team's success this year. We made Kenny do push-ups on a pretextual basis, and then made him do them over because he did not count them out. Everyone enjoyed watching Kenny getting punished and Kenny seemed to enjoy it as much, if not more, as we all did. It's going to be a great year. Stay tuned.